MY PLACE – POETRY , AFFIRMATIONS & MORE

I looked into the eyes of my future would be betrayers, meeting each person at different intersections of our intertwined journeys. I allowed space for friendship to bloom and newness and exploration in my heart. One by one I attached them to my very soul without promise or whispers of the loyalty I had been hoping for.

I studied their irises for devotion, friendship and love. Each one of them had unique round, curious eyes with a hint of innocence mixed with mischievousness. I was drawn in unsuspecting of any darkness in their hearts. I could not tell where their loyalty might lay or if they had any of the qualities that would point in the direction of a long term kinship. I believe some of us may have met before and perhaps those we connect with from a past life as the unforeseen karmic energies draw us together again unknowingly as we find each other’s untethered souls.

So with one foot arched I stepped. I stepped off that cliff hoping to fly as I tried on these new wings of support and blossoming friendship.

I had trusted myself that I knew well enough when someone would be good or bad fit for my life and my space. And while I was aware of many red flags the universe send forward with my chosen path, I ignored my instincts once again trudging towards risk and joy.  As always I just racked these nudges up to overthinking, paranoia and too much judgement on my end. In the past I had taken too many risks with my trust and albeit I should’ve learned my lesson, I now see I too still have many lessons to learn. But what’s a leap of faith if you don’t leap after all? I was again risking it all; my vulnerability, my openness, my home, my friendship, my family and ultimately my soft, squishy heart.

Yes I knew I could accept them and their quirkiness, as I myself have many cracks in my not so perfect shell having spent too many days gluing together the pieces  that have cracked and wilted off over time damaged from the many years of rain and cloudiness which at times showered over my life. I too had many quirks which not everyone could or would understand, as well as a long list of imperfections from my first mistake till now. The list of mistakes long and curled into a scroll of life lessons with space for more learning and reflection built into the end. I heard myself say, well who is perfect after all, no one right? This game of life plays out in such a way that perfection never comes close to not even one of us. After all it’s all just something to strive towards isn’t it?

I also believe it’s always better to have that mixed basket of personalities and energies around me so I can bounce ideas off rather than too much like mindedness never throwing too much caution to the wind. In the name of new friendships and taking chances I think this is a must as I forged ahead into uncharted waters without my proverbial life jacket. We are all worthy of trust and friendship after all.

Yet again I did not see the betrayal which lay in wait.

By now, a few months into the deep, I could sense the toxicity around me when spending time with these people I encouraged in. Still like the flowers in my garden I tugged and pulled out a few weeds around them, added water for growth, hugs for security and warm smiles of unknowing and sunshine in hopes new buds of loyalty might bloom.

Yet amidst the thunderstorm on the horizon or like fog rolling in, the air around me soon became filled thick with gossip, negative comments, darting eyes and far too many private jokes that I was not allowed in on as the thunder clapped and the lighting separated only threads of light in the dark sky in my mist.

For weeks leading up to the moment before I finally crumbled,  I felt questioning heaviness and imminent destruction, I still was not sure if I could bear the weight of their judgements and conspiracy yet I moved on as I am not one to give up .

Yet that day, the day I called them on their storming weather, I was strong as the rain fell softly against my face. With their backs turned and umbrellas poised, unforgiving and guiltless, they hoovered out of arms reach while sheltering themselves from my thunder and pain. It was on that day that I quickly scratched a line in the sand that soon hardened to cement  sealing the divide that would ultimately change my path and eject me from those who loved to hate and the negative energy that was swallowing me whole.

Past due , this manifestation of my awareness and uncovering of truths took much too long in the making as I now watched it all tumbling down around me at my own will, as painful as it was.
I know that my spirit somehow decided to manifest this knowing as surface pain before the wheels of ill fate took me to places I could not recover or return from. I knew I was already too late to prevent these weeds from further growth as I continued to water and nurture them with love and sunshine, never wanting to give up.

Watching in horror these vines bloomed into full on contempt and only then did I know weeds such as these thrived on destroying anything which dared bloom in their presence. The seed of betrayal that fell from the vine which grew in my presence was nothing more than a toxic vine which took root into the earth beneath my feet. Yet I had seen no harm at the time, nor even imagined anything in my garden could bloom into anything but love and beauty, as even a weed is still thing of beauty for some.

Knowing the betrayal had begun much before the actual last straw broke as one might say, the pain was still real, heavy and lasting for too many days. In hindsight I’m sure the betrayal may serve me a greater purpose even if I can’t see it right now, lessons right?

I’ve heard so many times how women can be women’s worst enemy, the sting real and though it may not happen every time, it certainly has happened in my lifetime too many times.

I may argue that point again once again one day however that day is not today as the thorns of nurtured weeds have pierced blood from my fingertips all the while their leaves took root in the soil of my life. This was as hard lesson for me, a lesson I wish I did not have to learn.

Written by : Corrina Leblond