MY PLACE – POETRY , AFFIRMATIONS & MORE

So yeah…December updates…

Well so far I have no scale number to reflect on for December as I am delaying stepping on that cursed digital platform as I have been struggling through December with many low carb keto fails.

In reflection I crashed, I burned and ultimately fell face first into a season of guilt, sweets, chocolate , pizza, cookies… whatever I could devour really that was in my field of want, and no not every day….but more than I should have…and Im good with that. But a wee little voice inside my head keeps judging me on my cheats and for that reason I both feel guilty and also aware that my struggle tends to be more with myself😒 than with food.

I’ve also come to wonder if that term “foodie” is just another word for “food addiction”..which may in fact be just another way for the food industry to further allow and promote continued poor choices by again giving people a cute “go to name” that highlights & encourages food/sugar addiction in an unhealthy way.

No matter how much I feel like a picture of health & wellness with my recent weight loss…when it boils down to reality I know this regular struggle to resist foods & sugars is not mine alone. I constantly need to remind myself not only are these delicious morsels not only not good for me and cause me weight gain ..they also cause me loads of unnecessary inflammation.

I’ve been monitoring myself a lot ..trying to be accountable and such as I try to figure out the whys behind my own behavior. It seems to me even though I know even one bite of sugar and processed food can lead me to more, what I actually hear in my head each time is “its okay, you deserve it, its only one slice, one ice-cream, one bagel, one chocolate bar, may as well eat that too, you already ruined your morning, afternoon , day, weekend etc”, which of course is never good as what follows is guilt, self disgust, more negative self talk, inflammation, weight gain, food coma and lack of motivation to restart after just one mishap….or more, depending n my mood that is.

I’ve summarized that my behavior and returning self sabotage cycle can only be due to a sugar addiction.  I have had my share of watching others who struggle with various forms of  addiction and my love of sugar and sweets can only be addiction, no different;  same excuses, same overindulgence’s, same CANT STOP behavior.

No matter how strict a person is with their diet of choice I’ve always felt it was normal to have a bad day here and there, which I do of course .  Moving forward instead of beating myself up maybe I can just bring more awareness to reducing my indulgences instead of shaming and or adding more guilt.

Food has always seemed to be an issue in my life. From early on our family struggled with having enough food and of course coming from a life of fisherman and farmers I was far too young when I realized some of the animals I loved so very much were being slaughtered for food, which always left me with a sense of “I cant eat my friends”. As I grew up (determined not to eat animals) and into my vegetarianism, food was always a big issue, especially considering that I was always the odd one out coming from a very meat-atarian non vegetarian home; being guided to what a truly healthy diet looked like  seemed impossible. I was always the weird one that no one in my family related too or shared the same feelings of not wanting to kill and eat an animal , which haunted me as a young child.

Thank God the world has changed and gotten smaller with the worldwide web as now I see there are so many more like me now.

When measuring my collective knowledge over the years of nutrition and actually experiencing what my body actually needs ..and struggling with understanding food nutrition, I even had nutritionists and naturopaths lean into pointing me towards eating meat..like there were no other options but to eat meat to be healthy..I discovered recently this is not true. Diet is simply just a knowing of discovering the basic nutrient macro knowledge and finding how to fit in what is needed to keep this machine ..our body..running smoothly..and I suppose we all need to find our own path.

So the struggle has been real for me from the moment I tried to learn about how to eat to the most recent anger I felt a few short years ago when my Doctors dietitians office pulled out fake rubber veggie & food to show me what a proper size plate should look like, ugh.

This past season I purposely, intentionally decided to self-sabotage and many times ate my way to trying feel good within my emotional self telling myself I deserved it, its Christmas , New Years pie…ugh..but truly do I deserve to sabotage myself like this over & over?

In reflection I’m still unsure of why I really self-sabotage through my diet as the outcome really sucks,  as I tap on my over-bloated distended belly that is cramping in pain and feeling the intense sense of un-wellness, hmmm..and to top that off… not only is my digestive tract in distress many other parts of my body suffer from the onset of an additional intense inflammatory response that always follows that “I deserve this” day , hour or weekend…do I really?

I had a very rough month financially and emotionally and for so many reasons my diet and health intentions were further shadowed by the increased darkness and decrease of sunshine and added stress we all face during December month.

So maybe Im just too hard on myself??

What I do know is that I am surrounded by incredible people, unforeseen circumstances and amazing healing opportunities that are free of charge and within my grasp at all times ; tools I can reach for are meditation,  inner journey to further self-awareness, links to so much healthy eating opportunities , facebook support groups, as well as my knowing I need to add more value to my own worth and really remind myself what I do deserve and that I also deserve to stay positive and healthy.

The days that still become cloudy are also usually blessed with people I love and help me  hold myself accountable to myself until the sun and my motivation comes out again.

I have so much hope for 2020 that no matter if the sun is out or not I know I can still continue on my journey building on my success, even if there are potholes in the road ahead.

Written by : Corrina Leblond

Image: https://fitoru.com/do-you-or-someone-you-know-have-body-dysmorphia/