Do you ever feel like you don’t know who/ what others see when they actually look at you? or have you ever wondered “what do I really truly look like?”
Well I do!
You would think that by now at my ripe “mature” age of fifty five, an age some would refer to as a “grown up” or “middle-aged”, that I would, at least have this answer!
Nope.
I had imagined and hoped one day that this little girl, who is still actively inside me rattling around ,would know the answers to those childhood questions by now.
I’m not sure if this is what a person would refer to as body dysmorphia, but I’m pretty sure that some of what I’m talking about maybe closely related to that definition noted on psychologyblossom.com/what-is-body-dysmorphic-disorder/; definition , “body dysmorphia is characterized by preoccupation with intrusive and persistent thoughts about one or more perceived flaws in one’s physical appearance”.
A little more research may be required, but in many ways I still struggle with my perceived flaws and physical appearance. Sometimes I feel like people can see my inside thoughts and harsh self judgements on the outside, and sometimes what I feel on the inside is not so great. In fact, like all of us, I’m the worst critic I have.
My inner self , that little girl who struggled with this sense of ugliness, sadly acquired through my formative years; still seems to be looking for answers and validation.
All my years growing up I insisted and demanded to know “who do I really look like!! Is there anybody else out there in the world like me?”. I remember feeling lost, alone, ugly.
I remember when this all started, the whole banter around who I looked like. I’m not sure if this was just regular family conversation or if it was just as simple as I must not have looked like anybody else in my family?? I guess I just wanted to fit in.
As I got older I was told “oh you look like so and so.. or I would catch the end of adult conversations where you would hear stuff like “yeah she looks like auntie Jose’s girls”, yet it seemed that I did not feel grounded in who I was as a child in this world.
Now years later, here I am, in some ways still struggling with those same feelings and thoughts.
I look at myself in the mirror and I know I see an image but if I’m at work, the lighting is different (aka that terrible fluorescent lighting in the bathrooms) there I see a different image. And then again if I take a selfie depending on set camera filters etc, then all the sudden there’s a different image. God forbid, anybody should catch me off guard with a quick pic snap that I didn’t expect as the camera grabs an angle and terribly distorts the who I believe I look like, to an instead image that may have me looking way weird! It seems, no matter what the fact is around how everybody has a bad picture moment, my negative self-talk and the fact that I easily and often see myself like this monster, doesn’t seem to go away.
Now let’s add on the extra layer of menopause that there is no escape from and takeaway some of that self-confidence I build with my successfully accomplished weight loss . Sure why not!!
Wow! Yes those extra pounds were gained with more than menopause , as there was pie involved and definitely ice cream, but now it seems like I’m stuck. I can’t get out of these 20 lbs.
I heard about the menopause weight gain. That’s why I tried so hard to lose my weight before menopause . I can definitely say that I’m still surprised with my weight gain as since I was able to manage my weight about 6 years ago, having lost 178 lbs. And I really didn’t expect to ever gain back 20lbs or more as I’ve been in maintenance for several years. When I achieved my goal and my weight loss to get to 155 lb, to my lowest weight of 152 approximately 4 years ago, I was still unhappy as my flesh and skin fell from my bones, too skinny in my face , neck and chest. I didn’t like the way I looked however as I went up about 7 lbs, I felt a little bit more comfortable. That’s where I stayed for the last 5 years and approximately 160 lbs.
Well that’s changed in the last year.
I’ve been struggling with a 20 lb weight gain, actually closer to 25lbs if I’m being completely honest with myself ( from my lowest weight) and even last night while I was trying to take some pictures to compare myself to last year, as I roll close to my “start of my keto journey anniversary date”, May 1st, I can’t help but hear all of those negative Nancy’s and naysayers in my head.
Last night I went from bedroom to bedroom, bathroom to bathroom, mirror to mirror to try and get authentic images of what I really felt I looked like…or at least an image that matched my feelings from the inside, yet I could not get that image. Even with the weight gain, I feel so much fatter on the inside than I do on the outside.
Although I did go up a dress size, actually two dress sizes ( cuz I love the stretchy everything), so I do tend to wear comfortable, usually stretchy clothes. And if I really want it to be honest, I’m sure that that 12 I’m wearing is more likely a 14, but I really didn’t like being a size 8 and I am a little sad that I squeezed out of my size 10s a few months ago, but I’m holding steady out of 12.
Last night I took many pictures and I could not help but think why do I look so different in every mirror? Why can’t I get one picture that looks or shows me the same image. Yet there I was, standing , looking, wondering….hmmm… why can’t I look the same twice in any mirror why? To me I see images that all look different, so I don’t know if it’s my mind or if it’s the mirrors paying tricks on my mind.
Written
by Corrina
MY PLACE - POETRY , AFFIRMATIONS & MORE 
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