I like to use social media to share my life, my poetry & stories ; to share my keto and weight loss / health journey, and of course to connect with my family.
I also like to sing.
During Covid, I, like many other karaoke 🎤 loving peeps out there , were forced out of our small neighborhood pubs into our homes , isolated.
There is when I began singing on social media. As a means of continuing my karaoke journey and new energy outlet, I jumped on board to the Facebook karaoke groups and leaned into this new part of our Covid online world.
No regrets!
In the privacy of my home I allowed myself to attempt other songs, songs I probably never would have thought about.
I found most people were kind with their online comments as I began to feel good singing at 🏡 home . Having regular followers/ people that wanted to listen to me sing, really encouraged me and made me feel good about myself and my voice. While I’m not a professional singer, I love to sing and can carry a note here and there.
Prior to Covid, I had just begun singing outside of my shower. I hated that I would’ve had to give up this new love as I felt such joy in singing. So with my little karaoke machine and a microphone, I began singing on various social media platforms.
Using YouTube to find karaoke songs became a rabbit hole of endless karaoke possibilities. Singing with lyrics, without lyrics and so many options that I rarely ever go to the pub to sing anymore. I now still sing at home. It’s cheaper!
I’ll never give up my day job of course 😏 but I still enjoy the social media opportunities that developed during isolation.
This question is a little bit scary for me as I struggle with where I will be in 10 years. As I watch my life in real time, I realize that I’m starting to age rapidly. And no it’s not in my mind , it’s actually happening, chronologically that is.
While I’m referring to my chronological age , of course it’s not really moving any faster than it has in the past, yet somehow in my mind it seems to be rapidly spinning me forward. I see my smile lines turn from once fine lines now deeper, as my skin loses that glow & my future demise now more likely nearer, more eminent , closer than ever , as I watch the inevitable end close in.
These past couple of years, I have lost a lot of people. My friends and family members from the previous generation, many crossing over to the other side, even friends of my age, cousins other people I’m hearing about passing and leaving this world.
These concerns about the next 10 years were never really there before the age of 55; and now it seems it’s all I think about! Yet at the same time , my psychological age pulls me backwards as I feel younger in some ways, having gained some sense of control over my direction of life. I recently released myself and was able to get out of my morbidly obese body and be more in control of myself, I’ve regained a zest for life. I’ve become more emotionally available and in some ways more settled with myself. So while I’m not really having a Benjamin button moment, boy do I wish I could.
It seems the last couple years my stress has increased as my outer shell and inner self screams “oh my God how do I stop this aging from happening?” And my young inner self is trying to be cool and do the right thing , you know just lean into aging and accept the fact that I should accept my fate & grow old gracefully “kind of dealio”.
I even tried to allow myself a moment of leaning into my age gracefully with an attempt to grow out my grey hair ; which actually ended up causing me more emotional distress than anything, so I just dyed it again as I was not ready for this change.
So in 10 years, yes just 10 years from now I will be 65!!! I can not imagine being ready to retire. Certainly if that includes me winning the lottery and becoming overnight filthy rich, then yes, perhaps I would retire right now. However, that’s not what I’m relating to when I think about retirement . I sadly think about poverty. I think about lack. I think about being alone, disconnected and even unhealthy. I think about a society that at times rejects those that age and I think about anti-agism. I don’t even like imagining my life as a senior person forced out of the workplace + forced into a slow down part of my life, especially if I’m not ready financially. And unfortunately I’m not one of those people that was lucky enough to be saving for my retirement. My whole life I’ve struggled financially. And while I now have a pension at my new job, this new job will only carry me until I retire, which is 10 years from now.
And the worst part I find about aging is my brain ..it’s still 25!! I still see myself as so young!!! ( Insert cartwheels here) . Yes I still want to live a full life !!! I want to enjoy life! I just want more life! I want to take back the last 10 years. I want to take back the last 20 years. It seems at times I don’t want to look forward at all, instead I try to practice mindfulness and stay in the now.
In the past few years, I was able to release myself from a larger version of myself, as I had been trapped with a weight issue for many years, unable to enjoy life because I was so unhappy for so many reasons. Society shames fat people, and let’s not even go about the ways that I shamed myself. And now that I have lost weight and have some of my health back, I want to get back those years that my younger self lost. I want to stay more energetic, I want to continue to be healthier, despite my knee problem, that may need surgery and replacement. I want so much that this idea , the idea of my life moving into a likely retirement in the next 10 years is actually terrifying.
I worry about the next 10 years more now than I ever have before in my life.
I understand the rules on this earth, you can’t change anything by worrying about it, yet here I am, worrying about it.
I remind myself each day that each day comes bearing its own rewards and its own challenges. Today I revel in each reward of the day and accept all of the challenges as lessons.
“By the end of high school I was not of course an educated man/person but I knew how to try to become one.” – Clifton Fadiman
In high school, I learned that I can be independent and I can take care of myself by making choices that reflect forward movement for me.
In high school I learned that while I may have also been bullied; other people who were also bullied reached out and wanted to be my friend despite my social situation.
In high school I learned that high school was just a box that we were all put in, and in order to get out of that box, we needed to complete high school.
In high school, I learned that we are not all treated equally.
Seeking more insight on who I am daily. Realizing I am a forever student of this life with much to learn. I like to write and to rhyme, to read and sometimes whine :) . I believe in living in the now, although the past often lures me to watch it like an old movie that is both familiar and a comfort. This life moves along no matter what. Each morn a each new day with promise of the past and a hint of the future all mixed in one. I write about things that touch my life and things that I feel passionate about. I will also be writing about things that make me want to rant and complain. I'm still trying to figure it all out, but I am on my way.
MY PLACE - POETRY , AFFIRMATIONS & MORE 
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