Rants and Raves | MY PLACE - POETRY , AFFIRMATIONS & MORE

Svelte – Belly blast program

17 May 2024 Leave a comment

by Katz in Fasting Keto & Health Chatter, Rants and Raves Tags: #extremeweightloss, #keto, #lumen, #MEREDITHSHIRK, #metaboost, #svelte, #weighloss #weightlossmaintenance, inspiration

Yay!! Day 4 ..made it!

Day four of what you ask. Well I would say day four of clean, healthy eating, vegan, no inflammatory foods allowed, no caffeine …and today I feel great!

My previous post I detailed about a recent program I purchased by a fitness coach called Meredith , program Metaboost#metaboostconnection by #svelte.

There are many options offered by this online fitness coach, however the one that I chose involved a one-day fat flush followed by a 3-day belly blaster program…. Followed by another 7 days of clean eating.

This not a vegan program, however, in the first 4 days there are no dairy or eggs, yet you are permitted to have lean protein.

I just finished the first 4 days so I’d like to give a small review on that. But first let me do some whining.

It seems like lately this girls weight just wants to go upward and outwardm I’m almost feeling desperate as all my go-to’s are not working for me to get off these 20 lb I gained.

Skipping back through my life , my lifelong pursuit of working on a healthy weight and a healthy metabolism, I’ve been led down many roads.

What Ive learned is, I can take what I like from the programs, and leave all the rest, no regrets no real expectations.

Ultimately, I’m just working on learning about my own health and how my body works specifically.

So working towards eating a daily meal plan , after following an alternate day for 4 years, I realized I absolutely enjoy eating every day and maintaining my weight. And this is something that I’ve learned just this past few months

Truth is, I didn’t believe that eating daily and not gaining weight could happen; that I could leave keto or alternate day fasting and not blow back to that 330 lbs that I was 8 years ago. However, I’ve learned just since February it appears I can maintain my weight and eat everyday.

I will continue to enjoy fasting as well , so I’m learning to incorporate intermediate fasting with these different new techniques as I work on losing these 20 lbs.

In February this year , I began using the #Lumen device. This device helps measure your CO2 and determines whether or not you are in sugar burning or fat burning. The eating plan that came with this device suggested eating everyday to increase your metabolism and provides low carb, high carb and super high carb days based on your reading so that you can learn to carb cycle and challenge your metabolism.

I was very curious about what that device would tell me about my metabolism .

What I’ve learned and according to what I see based on my #Lumen readings is that I have a fairly flexible metabolism and I easily switch between fat burning and carbohydrate burning .

Bonus!! Some people using the Lumen have a very hard time getting the readings I get and I would have to believe it’s because I followed a keto low carb diet for so many years.

I admit, I gained those 20 -23lbs honestly over the last year.

Just after entering postmenopause, and with so much going on in my personal life, I became a weekend warrior last summer consuming ice cream and pie far more often than I should… which of course I knew was a bad idea at the time .

While practicing ADF (alternate day fasting ) I always chose one day on the weekend where I had had whatever I wanted, even if it meant getting severe bloating and inflammation . Foods like pizza, pasta and most complex or processed carbs seem to be really impossible for me to digest. In turn, what happens is my abdomen, ribs, back , legs and almost every part of me aches 4 days later as my mid section expands blowing out like a 9-month pregnant woman causing me almost unbearable pain… And doing this to myself every weekend for years it used to be everyday but now just every weekend for years, so I can’t even imagine what I’m thinking.

Brain screams “Oh I can tell you! I want to be normal. I just want to eat whatever I want. I guess just like everybody I want all that I want … Even when we know our bodies don’t agree”.

The inflammation typically lasts for about 3 or 4 days , or often until I eat like those foods again.

Ive maintained my 170lb weight loss allowing myself to gain 8 lb from my lowest weight because I felt too thin , and it seemed as long as I had only one naughty day a weekend to my weight maintained,

I felt I could manage and live with the inflammation that happened from eating carbohydrates & sugar . Each Monday the scale taunted me with an alarming weight gain of 10 lb (or more) however, my clean keto & ADF diet during the week , the scale would be back down on Friday and I would lose those 10 lbs of water weight, which is what it appeared to be…thus maintaining my weight and I was basically happy with this.

Yet my body had other ideas.

When I began using the #Lumen in February, I began eating everyday and I noticed that the inflammation response lessened. Yes The inflammation was still there however it was still there only when I ate processed foods or high carbs on the weekend . I began getting less inflammation as my weight only increasef about four or 5 lbs( instead of 10) over the weekend. I also began maintaining my weight and have maintained my weight despite the fact that I’m eating everyday and still having a cheat day on the weekend , so I’m pretty happy with that

Now let’s get back to this felt #svelte plan…..

So drum roll please !!!

After my 1-day fat flush the scale moved 4lbs !! Wow… That’s pretty good because what was happening prior to that was it was taking Monday to Friday for me to lose the 4 to 5 lbs of inflammation, this time it came off overnight!! Wow!

I also wanted to say that the recipes and smoothies that were offered in this program were absolutely delicious and it really made me excited to try something different.

The results offered as testimonials from #svelte program were reports that some lost over 8lbs overnight, with the average closer to 4 or 5 lb which is still pretty awesome as that’s where I was.

As I eat very healthy throughout the week, I really didn’t give a lot of hope to think that this change in eating would move any of the weight that’s been on my body stuck now for more than the past 6 months.

However, let’s have another drum roll please !!

Results are in from my 3-day belly booster!! Yes I’ve lost another 5.8 lbs which is pretty darn amazing!!

Yes, that’s a total of 9.8 lbs from Monday to Friday!!

Thanks #MEREDITHSHIRK, You are right, this program does work!

Typically I do lose a regular inflammatory weight of approximately 4 to 5 lbs each week between Monday to Friday, but not 10, not since I eat daily that is.

.So that means I’m down a net of 5.8lbs … Wow! I’m pumped!!!

A little secret I’ll admit is the sugar addict inside of me has been collecting chocolates as I plan my next cheat day!! I know I need to work on my sugar addiction and I know that I’m just hurting myself. So as soon as I get this sugar addiction under control hopefully I won’t have to deal with this inflammation anymore.

I sometimes try to tell myself that I’m self-harming when I’m eating chocolate and chips etc but I do look forward to cheat days as that’s when I comfort myself with the things that I grew up feeling comfort with.

I’m not sure if I can manage a fully clean diet at all times without having some cheat days.

However, for now, I will continue for the next 7 days to complete this #svelte because they are so many more tips & recipes then I’ve seen another program so I am still very curious.

I did not buy their fitness program or the connection to their live community as it cost an extra $27 Canadian per month to access and I’m already paying the $27 a month for the Lumen community to access which is ridiculous of course, but they are really helping me and part of my journey it seems, so I have some decisions to make in the future about which platform works best for me.

Well what’s ahead ..

The next 7 days is more clean eating still dairy-free.

I’m really missing my cheese and butter.. but maybe this is the way I have to go in order for me to at least get off these stubborn pounds.

For those that are using this #svelte #metaboost program, they report that they lose 10 to 15 lb and over the full 11-day program …and as long as I can keep fighting off the Doritos and chocolates that keep appearing in my life it looks like it could be possible to get my weight back under control.

Wish me luck !

Written by

Corrina

Spring Reset! Metabolic Reboot!

13 May 2024 Leave a comment

by Katz in Fasting Keto & Health Chatter, Rants and Raves Tags: #challenge #megaboost #fatflush, #keto #health #lchf #dietdoctor #lowcarb #diet, #weightloss #svelte

So here I go one more time with my spring reboot .

Today is Day 1 .

My plan is first to do a fat flush followed by a highly nutritious 10-day plan offered by this company I have been checking out online.

Well, who is the lucky service provider?

This time it’s a company called #Svelte.

I’ve been watching this very fit lady online for many months now. The buy-in on this product line/ business is more or less similar to other fitness programs, however the focus is around foods what Meredith calls “mega influencers of our metabolism”, claiming you need just a few simple ingredients in your diet to get into the best shape possible!!

So why not try out some of Merediths recommendations, I’m ready and open to learning all that I can about my metabolism!

There was a cost for the fat flush program combined with the 10-day meta boost program, plus a hell of a lot of upselling links videos when trying to sign up which I found to be really annoying, however the plan basically says anybody doing this reboot / cleanse should easily lose between 10 and 15 lbs in the first 10 days.

Since I really want to lose about 20 lb, this would be perfect for me and I hope that at the end of the day, it will be well worth it or at least I’ve come out of it and learning more about myself.

The Lumen device I purchased a couple months ago has also been helping me learn a little bit more about how my metabolism operates. So now all I need to do is to get on track with getting my metabolism to work with me in terms of my diet and exercise as better than it did before.

I’m attempting to look at the science behind my metabolism as the key knowledge that is missing from my knowing as I need to figure out why my body doesn’t burn fat the way other people’s do. Certainly being insulin resistant doesn’t help, but I believe there’s other support out there that can be more knowledgeable with teaching us how to naturally boost our metabolism without paying the extra $300 a month for additional products and or supplements.

So wish me luck!

Today is my first day of my fat flush and then tomorrow I plan to start my 10-day ( spring reset) tomorrow which really involves a lot of vegetarian foods , smoothies and what Meredith refers to as the five “mega influencers” that are the PowerHouse of fat burning( for women in my age group especially).

I’ll never give up trying, stubborn as hell I know.

I don’t think it’s in me to actually give up . Ive never stopped trying as I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life . I’m always open to adding different diet or exercise regimes to improve my diet and exercise goals. I plan to continue maintaining my weight with the ultimate goal and further success of getting , maintaining and being forever in the best shape of my life.

Written by

Corrina

My journey

11 May 2024 Leave a comment

by Katz in Fasting Keto & Health Chatter, Rants and Raves Tags: #adf, #challenges, #extendedfasting #weightlosssuccess, #fasting, #keto, #lowcarb #diet #extremeweightloss, @basalmetobolicrate

I seem to beat myself up all the days long!!!

And of course this statement stems directly from my own rumination about my weight loss /gain and maybe this also false idea about how other people feel about my weight loss.

Realizing my thoughts are created from the space between my ears, I wish I knew how to silence that voice and find a way where I can stop beating myself up. Instead Id like and focus more on a self-love direction while turning a blind eye to that voice inside my head and try ignoring what I feel are unfair standards of what normal looks like.

The whispers in my mind certainly are not just imaginary ; they come from my experience with people and a knowing of how people sometimes react to people who are obese or even to those who have lost an extreme amount of weight like I have.

These perceptions that I have are consistently perpetuating the shame I still carry having been morbidly obese for almost 10 years. Even though it may not be society making those negative comments directly at me, the impact of what I know to be true is that women are expected to look a certain way. Despite wanting to be seen as a strong woman /feminist with a lot of self-love for myself , I still absorb and reflect negativity at my own image every day.

The year 2007 was a very hard year for me. I lost my mom to lung cancer. I had also left my toxic marriage the summer of 2006 and now carried the weight of being a single mom with two small children in a basement apartment. Let’s just say I certainly was not living the dream!

It was a year later that I met my boyfriend who didn’t seem to have a problem with the current or notably monthly increase in weight gain which came on rapidly after we first met . I remember it seemed that every bite of food stayed on my body from 2007 onward. Having a man beside me that didn’t seem to care about my weight was new to me, and I’m sure that somehow contributed to my acceptance of my weight gain and what was happening in my body at that time.

A few years back just before I became married, I decided to do a weight loss program and had lost 80 lbs in 8 mths. The goal was always to find and sustain healthy weight however this goal was one just to lose weight so that I could feel good in my wedding dress.

The 80lbs weight loss from the Herbal Magic diet was managed for approximately 3 years, and low and behold surprising enough as soon as I could no longer afford those magic tablets, the pounds quickly rushed back on starting in 2007 , and even more than ever before.

I was stuck in what I called a fat suit that the zipper was broken on.

Im also pretty sure those herbal magic tablets also contributed to my now continued digestive issues and bowel issues that have never improved and remain a constant issue in my life

Booming upwards and outwards , I rapidly gained more than 150 lbs in just a few short months. I had no idea how this craziness happened to me. Truth is I was so unhappy , I hated myself at that time . I just lost my mom. I had a failed marriage and an ex husband who was still harassing me and I also quit smoking.

I remember at some point looking in a mirror, I did not recognize who I was at all . I was the saddest girl ever. I still can’t stand looking at the pictures of myself in those years , I feel so angry about it because those years when I raised my children, were amazing years!

It’s funny how our choices haunt us for years and years.

I never really knew how to eat. I’m still trying to figure it out.. What I have learned is the uniqueness of my own journey, we all have one.

I’m still doing my best to learn to love myself and I guess that’s all I can really ask of myself right now is to do my very best.

Written by

Corrina

Body Dismorphia

30 Apr 2024 Leave a comment

by Katz in Fasting Keto & Health Chatter, Rants and Raves Tags: #attitudeofgratitude, #behaviour, #bodyimage, #bodymetamorphosis #appreciationofself, #challenges, #contentment, #dietdoctor, #metamorphosis, #selfimage, attitude, beauty, dreams

Do you ever feel like you don’t know who/ what others see when they actually look at you? or have you ever wondered “what do I really truly look like?”

Well I do!

You would think that by now at my ripe “mature” age of fifty five, an age some would refer to as a “grown up” or “middle-aged”, that I would, at least have this answer!

Nope.

I had imagined and hoped one day that this little girl, who is still actively inside me rattling around ,would know the answers to those childhood questions by now.

I’m not sure if this is what a person would refer to as body dysmorphia, but I’m pretty sure that some of what I’m talking about maybe closely related to that definition noted on psychologyblossom.com/what-is-body-dysmorphic-disorder/; definition , “body dysmorphia is characterized by preoccupation with intrusive and persistent thoughts about one or more perceived flaws in one’s physical appearance”.

A little more research may be required, but in many ways I still struggle with my perceived flaws and physical appearance. Sometimes I feel like people can see my inside thoughts and harsh self judgements on the outside, and sometimes what I feel on the inside is not so great. In fact, like all of us, I’m the worst critic I have.

My inner self , that little girl who struggled with this sense of ugliness, sadly acquired through my formative years; still seems to be looking for answers and validation.

All my years growing up I insisted and demanded to know “who do I really look like!! Is there anybody else out there in the world like me?”. I remember feeling lost, alone, ugly.

I remember when this all started, the whole banter around who I looked like. I’m not sure if this was just regular family conversation or if it was just as simple as I must not have looked like anybody else in my family?? I guess I just wanted to fit in.

As I got older I was told “oh you look like so and so.. or I would catch the end of adult conversations where you would hear stuff like “yeah she looks like auntie Jose’s girls”, yet it seemed that I did not feel grounded in who I was as a child in this world.

Now years later, here I am, in some ways still struggling with those same feelings and thoughts.

I look at myself in the mirror and I know I see an image but if I’m at work, the lighting is different (aka that terrible fluorescent lighting in the bathrooms) there I see a different image. And then again if I take a selfie depending on set camera filters etc, then all the sudden there’s a different image. God forbid, anybody should catch me off guard with a quick pic snap that I didn’t expect as the camera grabs an angle and terribly distorts the who I believe I look like, to an instead image that may have me looking way weird! It seems, no matter what the fact is around how everybody has a bad picture moment, my negative self-talk and the fact that I easily and often see myself like this monster, doesn’t seem to go away.

Now let’s add on the extra layer of menopause that there is no escape from and takeaway some of that self-confidence I build with my successfully accomplished weight loss . Sure why not!!

Wow! Yes those extra pounds were gained with more than menopause , as there was pie involved and definitely ice cream, but now it seems like I’m stuck. I can’t get out of these 20 lbs.

I heard about the menopause weight gain. That’s why I tried so hard to lose my weight before menopause . I can definitely say that I’m still surprised with my weight gain as since I was able to manage my weight about 6 years ago, having lost 178 lbs. And I really didn’t expect to ever gain back 20lbs or more as I’ve been in maintenance for several years. When I achieved my goal and my weight loss to get to 155 lb, to my lowest weight of 152 approximately 4 years ago, I was still unhappy as my flesh and skin fell from my bones, too skinny in my face , neck and chest. I didn’t like the way I looked however as I went up about 7 lbs, I felt a little bit more comfortable. That’s where I stayed for the last 5 years and approximately 160 lbs.

Well that’s changed in the last year.

I’ve been struggling with a 20 lb weight gain, actually closer to 25lbs if I’m being completely honest with myself ( from my lowest weight) and even last night while I was trying to take some pictures to compare myself to last year, as I roll close to my “start of my keto journey anniversary date”, May 1st, I can’t help but hear all of those negative Nancy’s and naysayers in my head.

Last night I went from bedroom to bedroom, bathroom to bathroom, mirror to mirror to try and get authentic images of what I really felt I looked like…or at least an image that matched my feelings from the inside, yet I could not get that image. Even with the weight gain, I feel so much fatter on the inside than I do on the outside.

Although I did go up a dress size, actually two dress sizes ( cuz I love the stretchy everything), so I do tend to wear comfortable, usually stretchy clothes. And if I really want it to be honest, I’m sure that that 12 I’m wearing is more likely a 14, but I really didn’t like being a size 8 and I am a little sad that I squeezed out of my size 10s a few months ago, but I’m holding steady out of 12.

Last night I took many pictures and I could not help but think why do I look so different in every mirror? Why can’t I get one picture that looks or shows me the same image. Yet there I was, standing , looking, wondering….hmmm… why can’t I look the same twice in any mirror why? To me I see images that all look different, so I don’t know if it’s my mind or if it’s the mirrors paying tricks on my mind.

Written

by Corrina

Lumen & Me

27 Apr 2024 Leave a comment

by Katz in Fasting Keto & Health Chatter, Rants and Raves Tags: #dietdoctor, #drfung, #extremeweightloss, #health #lchf, #keto, #ketolifestyle, #lchfchallenge, #lowcarb #diet, #lumen, #lumendevice, #weightloss #abundance #healing, health

Arggggg Still struggling ..ugh!

So here we go!. I think it’s important to provide some insight & personal reflection on this new metabolic device that I had recently purchased.

I call the Lumen device my accountability tool ; as it seems like all this tool is actually doing for me at this time is reading a printout of my current metabolism, and not that much more.

It’s been just over two months since I began blowing in the lumen and started as recommended the “eating every day lifestyle”.

I say eating everyday because I typically practice (ADF) alternate day fasting, a lifestyle I followed for approximately just under 5 years; a lifestyle which directly followed my 3year keto journey and low carb lifestyle. So eating every single day for these last couple months is quite a change for me, as I haven’t done that for many years.

Just in case anyone’s curious. Yes I have gained approximately 2lbs more, that’s not so bad considering I usually don’t eat everyday , and not so bad as I am trying to follow the Lumen guidelines.

Truth is , I purchased the Lumen on a whim ( like most things in my life). And it actually caught me off guard a little bit with the cost as it turned out to be much more expensive in CAD than I would’ve liked.

The Lumen also comes with an app in the form of a monthly membership ( I just received my bill and it’s approximately $26 Canadian a month, again more than I would like to pay).

I really believed upon purchase that this app part of Lumen( the plan basically) was optional, however, it turns out it’s Lumen recently changed their rules and the membership is no longer optional and you cannot opt out of the app support. It’s now a must have to go with the device or else the device is basically redundant.

So as it’s too late for me now, I would suggest reading all the fine prints before you invest.

On the day I purchased the Lumen device; my overly excited pointer finger punched that purchase button so fast I didn’t even realize at first that the product was offered from a US site, and a few minutes later I realized that the exchange rate would have me paying a much higher cost than I initially thought.
Even then when I realized the cost was in the U.S.funds, I was still curious and excited about the Lumen thinking that it was somehow a ketone reader.

I knew the cost would come through on my credit card soon enough and I would have to look at it; however, for now I soothed myself by saying that it’s okay to treat myself with the money that brother had given me for Christmas.

I have great hopes that this Lumen device would assist me with my health journey, yet 2 months later, I’m still not so quite sure of that.

The idea of an additional tool/device in my life was not really something I was looking forward to, however with that being said, I was still super hopeful that this device would give me some answers, answers to why my metabolism is such a jerk.

Every morning I blow into this little device and with the combination of the paid app, of course , it gives me a reading that provides me details of how my metabolism is operating and “tells me” if I’m in fat burning, sugar burning or a mixture of both. The numerical value on the breath reading represents where my metabolic system is at that time and based on your morning reading, the Lumen identifies which macros would work best for you and whether it’s a low carb, high carb or a boost day, which is super duper high carb day .

As a person who is definitely insulin resistant, I only realized after I purchased the Lumen, that it was not a ketone reader, but instead a metabolic reader. I was still very excited for the first month to see whether or not I had a flexible metabolism.

In some ways Ive learned to absolutely love Lumen because it is 100% accurate in telling me that I am not in fat burning and when I am in fat storage mode.. and of course, most people who have been following the keto diet or low carb diet also can tell when you are probably not burning fat because of your consumption of food, however, what I find very helpful is that being a keto low carb lifestyle person for almost 8 years, I always wondered how long it would take me to get back into ketosis once I stopped eating sugar or once I had a better day that was more low carb or healthy.

The Lumen device really surprised me in learning about my own metabolic flexibility, and I truly believe that the numbers and readings that it provides are 100% accurate.

There are many, many people who have been using the Lumen for many years to help them with their weight loss goals, metabolic flexibility and just overall health. I do believe that it provides all of these features and it’s not a weight loss tool. It’s just a reader that provides you with insight on what’s going on with your body and for sure I have learned a lot in the last 2 months.

But I also learned that my body is still very different from other people and even though I may be following the macros correctly according to their Lumen when it comes to protein and fat, I certainly can’t always eat the amount of carbs that it suggests because I know I’m insulin resistant. Some people may have a metabolic flexibility that when they are high in flexibility they can still burn fat easily, but because I’m insulin resistant it seems that my fat burning is not that easy and that in order for me to burn fat, I still need to stay either keto or really not eat anything after 4:00 p.m.

The end of the story of this story is that I do believe the Lumen is extremely helpful to my overall understanding of what’s going on in my body, which I really love. I’m also not regretful that I purchased this device , which turned out to be over $200 CAD. However I am pretty pissed about the fact that I have to pay $26 a month just to get a reading from this device. I’m going to do a little bit more research but I understand that it can’t be used without the app and it’s not really fair. If you already know what those numbers represent when you blow into the Lumen device, to continue to pay for the membership ongoing is really not really that inspiring, and I actually feel mad about it.

If you know that you’re blowing high numbers and you’re not in fat burning then naturally you would just reduce your carbs for the next few days until you blow a low reading, therefore not needing the app to consistently tell you what to eat because it’s based on the reading. Eating low carb usually means that you will blow a high fat burn and a high score means that you are not burning anything… Pretty simple science.

However even with knowing the science and how the Lumen works and how it can work for me without this app, I am still forced to be paying over $300 annually to use this app. And of course I’m going to have to keep investing in it for a little while because I paid close to that cost alone just for the Lumen device.

Knowledge is power but reading to fine prints is also important.

Written by

Corrina

Daily Write

26 Apr 2024 Leave a comment

by Katz in Daily writing prompts, Rants and Raves Tags: # somethingaboutme #sharingideas, # whatIliketalkingabout, dailyprompt, dailyprompt-1920

What topics do you like to discuss?

Well I was born with what they call the gift “the gift of gab”, as mother would fondly say.

I enjoy talking about many different topics, however at the top of my list would be my work.

I love my work! I work in the social service sector and it’s a very interesting job. I find my job rewarding and challenging, and a great topic of conversation as most circles that I run in are with like minded individuals and colleagues expressing the same types of stories.

I love to talk about animals. I especially love cats, dogs, donkeys , goats and chickens. My dream is one day to move out of the city into a small little town where I may retire with a small little farm of sorts; the kind of farm where the animals are the non-eating kind. As a vegetarian most of my life, I respect animals and love their humor, their souls and their eyes, and I respect their flesh on their bones.

I also love to talk about tarot cards and medium ship. I’ve been recently self-learning tarot and have been practicing as best I can with some of my friends as I learn a little bit more about how to read energy. For many years, my youngest son at the age of two began seeing ghosts and talked about these spirits that were in our house. Only once did I personally see a shadow, which frightened the crap right out of me , and to this day I believe my son’s hauntings and always will.

I love to talk about books and self-development, how to better myself. I’m constantly trying to self-reflect so I can determine how I can improve my life, I like to read a lot of self-help books. Currently I’m working on several books, and I also have the book on the Shadow Self which I would highly recommend to those on self discovery.

I love to talk about sound therapy and music. I like to sing . I love all sorts of music, I even sang with a band in Dec 2022; of late I’ve been recently leaning into learning some jazz songs. I’ve had a passion for singing for many years but only sang out loud starting in my late 40s (never will I quit my day job and I’m certainly not a professional, but I can sing a few notes), and as often as I can sing at home, I do. I also have a karaoke machine that allows me to boom my voice into my neighbor’s walls ( sorry neighbours) which I don’t know if they appreciate it or not, however I do love singing and talking about where to go to sing. Recently I also started teaching myself how to play the tongue drum which is a beautiful instrument.

I really enjoy talking about spirituality, Jesus and religion. I respect everybody’s journey with regards to this fact and find it very interesting to learn about how or which inspiration people use to climb up this ” proverbial mountain”, or so I say. Really there is no one wrong way to climb the mountain, we all get there in our own time and on our own values with or without spirituality.

I’m sure there’s so much more because I honestly can’t stop thinking or talking. :).

Written by

Corrina

Good question❓

13 Apr 2024 Leave a comment

by Katz in Daily writing prompts, Rants and Raves Tags: #aging #myfears #retirement #notreadytoage, #dailyprompt-1907, dailyprompt

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

This question is a little bit scary for me as I struggle with where I will be in 10 years. As I watch my life in real time, I realize that I’m starting to age rapidly. And no it’s not in my mind , it’s actually happening, chronologically that is.

While I’m referring to my chronological age , of course it’s not really moving any faster than it has in the past, yet somehow in my mind it seems to be rapidly spinning me forward. I see my smile lines turn from once fine lines now deeper, as my skin loses that glow & my future demise now more likely nearer, more eminent , closer than ever , as I watch the inevitable end close in.

These past couple of years, I have lost a lot of people. My friends and family members from the previous generation, many crossing over to the other side, even friends of my age, cousins other people I’m hearing about passing and leaving this world.

These concerns about the next 10 years were never really there before the age of 55; and now it seems it’s all I think about! Yet at the same time , my psychological age pulls me backwards as I feel younger in some ways, having gained some sense of control over my direction of life. I recently released myself and was able to get out of my morbidly obese body and be more in control of myself, I’ve regained a zest for life. I’ve become more emotionally available and in some ways more settled with myself. So while I’m not really having a Benjamin button moment, boy do I wish I could.

It seems the last couple years my stress has increased as my outer shell and inner self screams “oh my God how do I stop this aging from happening?” And my young inner self is trying to be cool and do the right thing , you know just lean into aging and accept the fact that I should accept my fate & grow old gracefully “kind of dealio”.

I even tried to allow myself a moment of leaning into my age gracefully with an attempt to grow out my grey hair ; which actually ended up causing me more emotional distress than anything, so I just dyed it again as I was not ready for this change.

So in 10 years, yes just 10 years from now I will be 65!!! I can not imagine being ready to retire. Certainly if that includes me winning the lottery and becoming overnight filthy rich, then yes, perhaps I would retire right now. However, that’s not what I’m relating to when I think about retirement . I sadly think about poverty. I think about lack. I think about being alone, disconnected and even unhealthy. I think about a society that at times rejects those that age and I think about anti-agism. I don’t even like imagining my life as a senior person forced out of the workplace + forced into a slow down part of my life, especially if I’m not ready financially. And unfortunately I’m not one of those people that was lucky enough to be saving for my retirement. My whole life I’ve struggled financially. And while I now have a pension at my new job, this new job will only carry me until I retire, which is 10 years from now.

And the worst part I find about aging is my brain ..it’s still 25!! I still see myself as so young!!! ( Insert cartwheels here) . Yes I still want to live a full life !!! I want to enjoy life! I just want more life! I want to take back the last 10 years. I want to take back the last 20 years. It seems at times I don’t want to look forward at all, instead I try to practice mindfulness and stay in the now.

In the past few years, I was able to release myself from a larger version of myself, as I had been trapped with a weight issue for many years, unable to enjoy life because I was so unhappy for so many reasons. Society shames fat people, and let’s not even go about the ways that I shamed myself. And now that I have lost weight and have some of my health back, I want to get back those years that my younger self lost. I want to stay more energetic, I want to continue to be healthier, despite my knee problem, that may need surgery and replacement. I want so much that this idea , the idea of my life moving into a likely retirement in the next 10 years is actually terrifying.

I worry about the next 10 years more now than I ever have before in my life.

I understand the rules on this earth, you can’t change anything by worrying about it, yet here I am, worrying about it.

Written by

Corrina

WEEDS IN BLOOM

22 Aug 2018 Leave a comment

by Katz in Rants and Raves Tags: #friends, betrayal, falsefriends, gettinghurt, lessons, life, reflections

weed picture

I looked into the eyes of my future would be betrayers, meeting each person at different intersections of our intertwined journeys. I allowed space for friendship to bloom and newness and exploration in my heart. One by one I attached them to my very soul without promise or whispers of the loyalty I had been hoping for.

I studied their irises for devotion, friendship and love. Each one of them had unique round, curious eyes with a hint of innocence mixed with mischievousness. I was drawn in unsuspecting of any darkness in their hearts. I could not tell where their loyalty might lay or if they had any of the qualities that would point in the direction of a long term kinship. I believe some of us may have met before and perhaps those we connect with from a past life as the unforeseen karmic energies draw us together again unknowingly as we find each other’s untethered souls.

So with one foot arched I stepped. I stepped off that cliff hoping to fly as I tried on these new wings of support and blossoming friendship.

I had trusted myself that I knew well enough when someone would be good or bad fit for my life and my space. And while I was aware of many red flags the universe send forward with my chosen path, I ignored my instincts once again trudging towards risk and joy. As always I just racked these nudges up to overthinking, paranoia and too much judgement on my end. In the past I had taken too many risks with my trust and albeit I should’ve learned my lesson, I now see I too still have many lessons to learn. But what’s a leap of faith if you don’t leap after all? I was again risking it all; my vulnerability, my openness, my home, my friendship, my family and ultimately my soft, squishy heart.

Yes I knew I could accept them and their quirkiness, as I myself have many cracks in my not so perfect shell having spent too many days gluing together the pieces that have cracked and wilted off over time damaged from the many years of rain and cloudiness which at times showered over my life. I too had many quirks which not everyone could or would understand, as well as a long list of imperfections from my first mistake till now. The list of mistakes long and curled into a scroll of life lessons with space for more learning and reflection built into the end. I heard myself say, well who is perfect after all, no one right? This game of life plays out in such a way that perfection never comes close to not even one of us. After all it’s all just something to strive towards isn’t it?

I also believe it’s always better to have that mixed basket of personalities and energies around me so I can bounce ideas off rather than too much like mindedness never throwing too much caution to the wind. In the name of new friendships and taking chances I think this is a must as I forged ahead into uncharted waters without my proverbial life jacket. We are all worthy of trust and friendship after all.

Yet again I did not see the betrayal which lay in wait.

By now, a few months into the deep, I could sense the toxicity around me when spending time with these people I encouraged in. Still like the flowers in my garden I tugged and pulled out a few weeds around them, added water for growth, hugs for security and warm smiles of unknowing and sunshine in hopes new buds of loyalty might bloom.

Yet amidst the thunderstorm on the horizon or like fog rolling in, the air around me soon became filled thick with gossip, negative comments, darting eyes and far too many private jokes that I was not allowed in on as the thunder clapped and the lighting separated only threads of light in the dark sky in my mist.

For weeks leading up to the moment before I finally crumbled, I felt questioning heaviness and imminent destruction, I still was not sure if I could bear the weight of their judgements and conspiracy yet I moved on as I am not one to give up .

Yet that day, the day I called them on their storming weather, I was strong as the rain fell softly against my face. With their backs turned and umbrellas poised, unforgiving and guiltless, they hoovered out of arms reach while sheltering themselves from my thunder and pain. It was on that day that I quickly scratched a line in the sand that soon hardened to cement sealing the divide that would ultimately change my path and eject me from those who loved to hate and the negative energy that was swallowing me whole.

Past due , this manifestation of my awareness and uncovering of truths took much too long in the making as I now watched it all tumbling down around me at my own will, as painful as it was.
I know that my spirit somehow decided to manifest this knowing as surface pain before the wheels of ill fate took me to places I could not recover or return from. I knew I was already too late to prevent these weeds from further growth as I continued to water and nurture them with love and sunshine, never wanting to give up.

Watching in horror these vines bloomed into full on contempt and only then did I know weeds such as these thrived on destroying anything which dared bloom in their presence. The seed of betrayal that fell from the vine which grew in my presence was nothing more than a toxic vine which took root into the earth beneath my feet. Yet I had seen no harm at the time, nor even imagined anything in my garden could bloom into anything but love and beauty, as even a weed is still thing of beauty for some.

Knowing the betrayal had begun much before the actual last straw broke as one might say, the pain was still real, heavy and lasting for too many days. In hindsight I’m sure the betrayal may serve me a greater purpose even if I can’t see it right now, lessons right?

I’ve heard so many times how women can be women’s worst enemy, the sting real and though it may not happen every time, it certainly has happened in my lifetime too many times.

I may argue that point again once again one day however that day is not today as the thorns of nurtured weeds have pierced blood from my fingertips all the while their leaves took root in the soil of my life. This was as hard lesson for me, a lesson I wish I did not have to learn.

Written by : Corrina Leblond

My Supernatural World

25 Jan 2016 2 Comments

by Katz in Rants and Raves Tags: children who see ghosts, developingmediumship, ghosts, indigo children, mediums, occult, ouija boards, paranormal, Saint Micheal, seeing ghosts, spirtual, supernatural

ghost-forest

Coming from a family that always had a ghost story to tell I grew up not only intrigued by the paranormal and supernatural I would even say I also dabbled in it a little from time to time as I got older.

As a child it seemed like every adult I knew, especially that one aunt of mine (you know who you are!) did their best to scare me out of my skin every time I turned around. There always seemed to be a room with a doll being pulled by fishing thread slowly and terrifyingly across the room or the many tales of ghosts leaving footprints behind or the curious rattling in my grandmother’s kitchen that was so loud that every living soul was awakened from sleep to give testament of the occurrence; coincidentally these incidents always seem to come up just before one of those inevitable sleep overs at Nan’s house. My mom and at least one of my other aunts “read cards” for people they knew, like tarot cards but with a plain deck of cards. I always begged for her to read mine, but mom always told me “you can’t read children cards” I’m not sure where all this interest in the occult came from on my mom’s side of the family but it was definitely there.

Coming from the East coast of Canada the bright summer nights allowed us plenty of sunlight and long days. As a child of the seventies all of our free “play” time was spent outside as there was nothing to do inside and the outside world had plenty of overturned rocks to roast marshmallows on; when it did get dark at night it was like a scene from any creepy movie ever made. The absence of streetlights cast dark shadows on every street corner between my grandmother’s house and my own, and besides the shadows the depth of darkness in between the houses left me guessing at the many horrors that might possibly lurk within, waiting to swallow me whole. The short ten minute walk home would quickly become a fast five minute run when the sun fell below the water’s edge around the small island I grew up on.

Throughout my childhood I often heard of the stories how other extended family members experimented with séances, Ouija’s boards and many other things. I knew to keep quiet about these things in our family as we were raised in a Catholic upbringing so you can imagine why it was a hush, hush thing. Our family moved when I was twelve years old leaving behind the island however the stories remained with me as did my memory of having our house blessed by the local priest for who knows what as my mom was pretty tight lipped about many things back then.

Some of the common ghost folklore on the island included tales of a White Woman, a vengeful, beautiful ghost who would haunt anyone after dark, her long flowing white gown floating high in the air above everyone; I dared not look up at night, and of course let’s not forget the Fairies. I remember feeling terrified a fairy would grab me when reaching into the neighbors patch of rhubarb to snap off a sweet ripened branch to chew, sadly this was a regular treat for me as a child and one I could not resist as the secondary reward was a new rhubarb hat for my successful venture. I’m certain as a child I thought “I bet some fairies sneaked aboard those boats with my grandfather” who immigrated from Ireland back in the early 1900’s; everyone knew Ireland was full of fairies and leprechauns.

As I grew older I still hung on to some curiosity about the occult but mostly it dwindled down to a pack of expensive tarot cards in my twenties that I never did learn to read, I guess I didn’t have “the gift” my mom had when it came to reading cards, God knows I tried. I also tossed my money too much out to money out to promising fortune tellers, palm readers and physics during my twenties and thirties in search of something profound, which I did not find. They all seemed fake and nothing more than a bunch of entertainers looking for a quick buck, no one with the real gift I longed to witness. Not until my second son was born that is.

By the time my baby was able to muster together his first sentence just before he was two years old; one thing that stood out most was his incredible desire to tell me about the “man” who lived in our basement crawlspace; terrifying yes! It didn’t stop there either as for the next six months the toys cackled in the corners turned on by invisible hands as new sounds crept inside the rooms in our home proving loud and clear that we were not alone! No these sounds were not from those that lived inside, these sounds were from somewhere else. When my son was able to put a few more words together and form a longer sentence I taught him to scream down the basement stairs “man this is my home go away”, we practiced this every time he seen the “man”. He would come screaming “the man, the man” leaping onto my lap stuffing his golden brown tussled curly hair deep under my secure armpit as he trembled. I too shook from the fear of the unseen man; it seemed whenever my son pointed to the location of “the man” the invisible entity appeared to move closer and closer from our downstairs crawlspace to directly behind my screaming two year old on our main level living room area one night. My son’s sightings of the man seemed to last for about six months , stopped for about three, and again for another few months eventually the sightings stopped. I was sort of relieved when a new play friend my son called “Mister Nobody” came around shortly after. Mister Nobody stayed in our attic where he would come down and play with my son and sometimes take the blame for misplaced items around the house but it was fairly non scary stuff, Thank God! I thought whether Mister Nobody is really or an imaginary friend I dont care, just dont be scary.

By the time my child was five years old a move from our house to a new apartment began to stir up a whole other mixture of excitement and activity which one might call paranormal activity. The whispers in the vents at night from Mister Nobody who apparently left the attic from the old house and now followed us to our new place months later whispered through the vents to my son and once told him “love her, take care of her.” I began to wonder if this was his guardian angel or something. Soon things changed again and my son began telling me how he was witnessing many different forms of ghosts just walking around our house, usually quietly floating in and out of the walls, some transparent, some dark shadows and one who looked just like his brother. Of course as a mom I believed him , who wouldn’t as prior to him being this five year old seeing ghosts I remembered only too clearly the two year old he was that experienced this same phenomenon. I knew in my heart of hearts he had no way of even comprehending what a ghost was before he was two and neither did I really. His gift of seeing those who have passed was not just his experience alone as these seeing occurrences were also followed by strange noises and other disturbances in our house, like the TV and stereo coming off and on by themselves and much more. Someone at my workplace knew a renown radio host who claimed to be a medium. I called her she told me my son was a medium as she was, she also called him an “indigo child.” her only advice was to be careful as all that he may see may not be good, and use Saint Micheal in case of emergencies, you know like when the small girl slide out from under his bed one night and smiled at him, yes Saint Micheal was called on then. She also told me to develop my own medium-ship so I could help him, “right who would do that, I was already terrified!”

Things have begun to quiet down in the last couple years after we had a couple of good scares, it would appear the smudging helps.

Boy do I have a few good ones of my own now to tell, maybe even some stories of my own emerging gift too, late bloomer I guess.

😉

The God Glow

22 Dec 2015 Leave a comment

by Katz in Rants and Raves Tags: #beliefs, #spirituality, buddism, christianity, faith, God, GodGlow, Gods Grace, hinduism, holy spirit, North Bramalea United Church, roman catholics, spirtualjourney

My spiritual journey as an adult has always been one at arm’s length with religion. Being reared up in the belief system of Christianity I have always had a tendency to have one foot in the door of religion and the other foot tip toeing out to learn about other beliefs that may have seemed a little more interesting, dare I say.
Over the years I have explored faith in a few alternative ways as I craved to know more about Buddhism and Hinduism, just to name the most recent.

Having re-established my own faith again in my thirties(you know after I choose to believe God must surely have made the aliens too) I also wanted to understand more of what faith could offer other than that which had been uninvited and drilled into me as a child. Truth is I am basically happy I was given the foundation of Christianity as a child. In the same sense I choose to raise my own children as Catholics; you know the traditional baptism followed by the same legacy of a Catholic school education, even though when making these choices for my children I was questioning my own religion. I just knew I very much wanted my children to know about God, and after that it would be up to them to make their own choice when they got older. I have never forced my children to go to church (much as my son says never is simply not true) nor did I go much myself as an adult, until recently when I found a place which no longer feels like church, The North Bramelea United Church.

Religion in general has always left a bad taste in my mouth. Having always felt it was something my grandparents believed in and practiced and mostly not for me allowed me to feel free with my own perceptions of God and faith. Even though I do believe in God, I have felt strongly about “not needing a building” or a religion to represent my faith in God as He (being God that is) already knew me well enough to know where I stood on religion and my beliefs.

I am also not proud of the ideologies formed from the interpretation of religion by man. No matter what name or face history has titled these belief systems if choosing to use religion as a cover for war and madness there is no other definition for this other than criminal; crimes against humanity are still crimes if you for any reason use religion to harm even one single person on this earth. Fact is all we need to do is look around to see the chaos created by religion and reflect did God really intend this mess? I vote a big NO.
As a young Catholic girl I was taught to pray; certainly some prayers were by force (especially those hard floored Rosary prayers, ouch) and some prayers just as a means to comfort from the boogey man and whatever the heck it was that lived was under my bed, of course. Like most Catholic families we had the typical good night prayer “God bless mommy & daddy” etc. etc., and of course the well-practiced prayers from Sunday mass which were carved so deep into my brain that I don’t even remember learning them, yet still today if I’m at a Catholic mass my lips are automatically moving with those same words as the priest, I don’t know why… but it still happens. Yes words I learned so long ago, even some Latin words, who knew I could speak in tongues!
Mom always told me I should pray whenever anything scared me; and as a child life was not so great so I prayed a lot. So many times I remember praying eyes squeezed tight just to go back to sleep from a bad dream, falling asleep with “Hail Mary” or “Our Father” on my lips as I drifted back into unconsciousness , a typical night for me as a Catholic child. Having been raised a strict Catholic I was naturally forced to go to church every week which also included church in school as well, it was just second nature to do so. There was never an opportunity to opt out of church or dare say the words “No way I’m not going!” as I hear my kids scream out when asked if they want to go to church. Not only were we not asked if we wanted to go to church, we would also have paid a dear price for saying no; and when I say paid …I mean PAID with a lesson remembered for days or weeks depending on whether the teaching tool was a belt, a stick or a hand!

I don’t even recall ever thinking about not going to church, not at least until I was about sixteen or seventeen. I sang in the choir for years and my brother was an altar boy, it was just what we did. It seemed everyone was punished, oops I mean treated with the same unsaid expectation of church as we were good Catholics, something that meant a lot to my Irish/Scottish grandparents. I was really no different than any other kid in our family who were likely taught to pray from the womb as I suspect I was.

Aside from religion something inside me always left me feeling different from others. I always wondered why or if it was just my own fault for not fitting in, ever. Even now my kids say “mom you are different, good different”, at work I have heard others say “ you are so different”, my kids friends have said “geeze your mom is so different”, and once many years ago an older Asian woman stopped me outside a store and stared in my face and said “you have a very kind face”, I have always remembered her, she was so intense as she stared directly into my soul that day, one thing for sure is she made me feel different! I think I can see my differences now and I believe it could only be in my character. I have my strong, caring nature which I hope is why I have a respectable character, or at least that’s what I think people who get to know me will think. Having a knack for helping people coupled with lots of empathy has always caused my heart to swell even when reading about sad stories of poverty, pain and oppression, and don’t even get me started on my depth of love for or animals, always wishing I could do more to help or take them home. It was only recently I realized those pieces of me which are different are not that different at all. Now that I have connected with others who I feel are similar to me touching my life in one way or another, I see we have some common ground ethically and in character.

A new friend of mine spoke recently at an event that I had attended. During her talk she said something that touched a knowing in my heart as to why I could be different. To be honest I can’t even remember what it was she said exactly but what I do remember is she said something about her and God …something along the lines of “and that’s why I am different, because God…”and then it was like I knew in that very moment ! What she said was or could be the reason why I too might be different! You know I definitely had a few notches in the ole prayer belt especially as a kid, so maybe someone was watching over me shining inside my spirit bright enough for me to be the odd one out, or perhaps I was meant to shine just a little differently so that only those like me could see the same glow in their heart of hearts. I don’t know really; it’s not like this is a provable theory after all but why not a theory all the same, after all people make stuff up all the time and spend years trying to prove it right?

I thought about a few other people I connected with over the years who have helped me in a positive way in my life, you know those ones who just seem to appear out of nowhere to support you in a time of crisis or misery. I now believe they too could have some sort of spiritual connection in this web of existence, not necessarily Christian but maybe some belief system or another that has them praying or believing that our creator is looking over us, impacting us, guiding us and helping us find one another when in times of need. Those that had most impacted me also had this profound sense of helping other, fairness and social justice in their hearts…I then thought “I think we all have the God glow!” Really this is just something I made up, God glow that is, but what if it’s real? A real glow, you know a special glow in people who have a deep connection with God whether in a church, in a field beneath a tree, around the dinner table or just in our heart or hearts.

I’m certain those that have this connection with God whether young or old have a special inner glow. I don’t think the glow can be seen by the naked eye, I think it can only be felt by the heart and seen in people’s actions. Maybe everyone has it and some people get a higher dosage than others, who knows. All I know is I’m glad I see the same glow in those good people I have met along my way, and I will forever feel like I have found something special that I didn’t know I had before, the “God glow”.
I’m also happy to report this can only mean I have more good than I ever knew, thanks God!

Written by : Corrina Leblond

Image by: www.achievinglotus.org