MY PLACE – POETRY , AFFIRMATIONS & MORE

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

This question is a little bit scary for me as I struggle with where I will be in 10 years. As I watch my life in real time, I realize that I’m starting to age rapidly. And no it’s not in my mind , it’s actually happening, chronologically that is.

While I’m referring to my chronological age , of course it’s not really moving any faster than it has in the past, yet somehow in my mind it seems to be rapidly spinning me forward. I see my smile lines turn from once fine lines now deeper, as my skin loses that glow & my future demise now more likely nearer, more eminent , closer than ever , as I watch the inevitable end close in.

These past couple of years, I have lost a lot of people. My friends and family members from the previous generation, many crossing over to the other side, even friends of my age, cousins other people I’m hearing about passing and leaving this world.

These concerns about the next 10 years were never really there before the age of  55; and now it seems it’s all I think about! Yet at the same time , my psychological age pulls me backwards as I feel younger in some ways, having gained some sense of control over my direction of life. I recently released myself and was able to get out of my morbidly obese body and be more in control of myself, I’ve regained a zest  for life. I’ve become more emotionally available and in some ways more settled with myself. So while I’m not really having a Benjamin button moment, boy do I wish I could.

It seems the last couple years my stress has increased as my outer shell and inner self screams “oh my God how do I stop this aging from happening?” And my young inner self is trying to be cool and do the right thing , you know just lean into aging and accept the fact that I should accept my fate & grow old gracefully “kind of dealio”.

I even tried to allow myself a moment of leaning into  my age gracefully with an attempt to grow out my grey hair ; which actually ended up causing me more emotional distress than anything, so I just dyed it again as I was not ready for this change.

So in 10 years, yes just 10 years from now I will be 65!!! I can not imagine being ready to retire. Certainly if that includes me winning the lottery and becoming overnight filthy rich, then yes, perhaps I would retire right now. However, that’s not what I’m relating to when I think about retirement . I sadly think about poverty. I think about lack. I think about being alone, disconnected and even unhealthy. I think about a society that at times rejects those that age and I think about anti-agism. I don’t even like imagining  my life as a senior person forced out of the workplace + forced into a slow down part of my life, especially if I’m not ready financially. And unfortunately I’m not one of those people that was lucky enough to be saving for my retirement. My whole life I’ve struggled financially. And while I now have a pension at my new job, this new job will only carry me until I retire, which is 10 years from now.

And the worst part I find about aging is my brain ..it’s still 25!! I still see myself as so young!!! ( Insert cartwheels here) . Yes I still want to live a full life !!! I want to enjoy life! I just want more life!  I want to take back the last 10 years. I want to take back the last 20 years. It seems at times I don’t want to look forward at all, instead I try to practice mindfulness and stay in the now.

In the past few years, I was able to release myself from a larger version of myself, as I had been trapped with a weight issue for many years, unable to enjoy life because I was so unhappy for so many reasons. Society shames fat people, and let’s not even go about the ways that I shamed myself. And now that I  have lost weight and have some of my health back, I want to get back those years that my younger self lost. I want to stay more energetic, I want to continue to be healthier, despite my knee problem, that may need surgery and replacement. I want so much that this idea , the idea of my life moving into a likely retirement in the next 10 years is actually terrifying.

I worry about the next 10 years more now than I ever have before in my life.

I understand the rules on this earth, you can’t change anything by worrying about it,  yet here I am, worrying about it.

Written by

Corrina