MY PLACE – POETRY , AFFIRMATIONS & MORE

I seem to beat myself up all the days long!!!

And of course this statement stems directly from my own rumination about my weight loss /gain and maybe this also false idea about how other people feel about my weight loss.

Realizing my thoughts are created from the space between my ears, I wish I knew how to silence that voice and find a way where I can stop beating myself up. Instead Id like and focus more on a self-love direction while turning a blind eye to that voice inside my head and try ignoring what I feel are unfair standards of what normal looks like.

The whispers in my mind certainly are not just imaginary ; they come from my experience with people and a knowing of how people sometimes react to people who are obese or even to those who have lost an extreme amount of weight like I have.

These perceptions that I have are consistently perpetuating the shame I still carry having been morbidly obese for almost 10 years. Even though it may not be society making those negative comments directly at me, the impact of what I know to be true is that women are expected to look a certain way. Despite wanting to be seen as a strong woman /feminist with a lot of self-love for myself , I still absorb and reflect negativity at my own image every day. 

The year 2007 was a very hard year for me. I lost my mom to lung cancer. I had also left my toxic marriage the summer of 2006 and now carried the weight of being a single mom with two small children in a basement apartment. Let’s just say I certainly was not living the dream!

It was a year later that I met my boyfriend who didn’t seem to have a problem with the current or notably monthly increase in weight gain which came on rapidly after we first met . I remember it seemed that every bite of food stayed on my body from 2007 onward. Having a man beside me that didn’t seem to care about my weight was new to me, and I’m sure that somehow contributed to my acceptance of my weight gain and what was happening in my body at that time.

A few years back just before I became married, I decided to do a weight loss program and had lost 80 lbs in 8 mths. The goal was always to find and sustain healthy weight however this goal was one just to lose weight so that I could feel good in my wedding dress. 

The 80lbs weight loss from the Herbal Magic diet was managed for approximately 3 years, and low and behold surprising enough as soon as I could no longer afford those magic tablets, the pounds quickly rushed back on starting in 2007 , and even more than ever before.

I was stuck in what I called a fat suit that the zipper was broken on.

Im also pretty sure those herbal magic tablets also contributed to my now continued digestive issues and bowel issues that have never improved and remain a constant issue in my life

Booming upwards and outwards , I rapidly gained more than 150 lbs in just a few short months. I had no idea how this craziness happened to me. Truth is I was so unhappy , I hated myself at that time . I just lost my mom. I had a failed marriage and an ex husband who was still harassing me and I also quit smoking.

I remember at some point looking in a mirror,  I did not recognize who I was at all . I was the saddest girl ever. I still can’t stand looking at the pictures of myself in those years , I feel so angry about it because those years when I raised my children, were amazing years!

It’s funny how our choices haunt us for years and years.

I never really knew how to eat. I’m still trying to figure it out.. What I have learned is the uniqueness of my own journey, we all have one.

I’m still doing my best to learn to love myself and I guess that’s all I can really ask of myself right now is to do my very best.

Written by

Corrina