MY PLACE – POETRY , AFFIRMATIONS & MORE

My spiritual journey as an adult has always been one at arm’s length with religion. Being reared up in the belief system of Christianity I have always had a tendency to have one foot in the door of religion and the other foot tip toeing out to learn about other beliefs that may have seemed a little more interesting, dare I say.
Over the years I have explored faith in a few alternative ways as I craved to know more about Buddhism and Hinduism, just to name the most recent.

Having re-established my own faith again in my thirties(you know after I choose to believe God must surely have made the aliens too) I also wanted to understand more of what faith could offer other than that which had been uninvited and drilled into me as a child. Truth is I am basically happy I was given the foundation of Christianity as a child. In the same sense I choose to raise my own children as Catholics; you know the traditional baptism followed by the same legacy of a Catholic school education, even though when making these choices for my children I was questioning my own religion. I just knew I very much wanted my children to know about God, and after that it would be up to them to make their own choice when they got older. I have never forced my children to go to church (much as my son says never is simply not true) nor did I go much myself as an adult, until recently when I found a place which no longer feels like church, The North Bramelea United Church.

Religion in general has always left a bad taste in my mouth. Having always felt it was something my grandparents believed in and practiced and mostly not for me allowed me to feel free with my own perceptions of God and faith. Even though I do believe in God, I have felt strongly about “not needing a building” or a religion to represent my faith in God as He (being God that is) already knew me well enough to know where I stood on religion and my beliefs.

I am also not proud of the ideologies formed from the interpretation of religion by man. No matter what name or face history has titled these belief systems if choosing to use religion as a cover for war and madness there is no other definition for this other than criminal; crimes against humanity are still crimes if you for any reason use religion to harm even one single person on this earth. Fact is all we need to do is look around to see the chaos created by religion and reflect did God really intend this mess? I vote a big NO.
As a young Catholic girl I was taught to pray; certainly some prayers were by force (especially those hard floored Rosary prayers, ouch) and some prayers just as a means to comfort from the boogey man and whatever the heck it was that lived was under my bed, of course. Like most Catholic families we had the typical good night prayer “God bless mommy & daddy” etc. etc., and of course the well-practiced prayers from Sunday mass which were carved so deep into my brain that I don’t even remember learning them, yet still today if I’m at a Catholic mass my lips are automatically moving with those same words as the priest, I don’t know why… but it still happens. Yes words I learned so long ago, even some Latin words, who knew I could speak in tongues!
Mom always told me I should pray whenever anything scared me; and as a child life was not so great so I prayed a lot. So many times I remember praying eyes squeezed tight just to go back to sleep from a bad dream, falling asleep with “Hail Mary” or “Our Father” on my lips as I drifted back into unconsciousness , a typical night for me as a Catholic child. Having been raised a strict Catholic I was naturally forced to go to church every week which also included church in school as well, it was just second nature to do so. There was never an opportunity to opt out of church or dare say the words “No way I’m not going!” as I hear my kids scream out when asked if they want to go to church. Not only were we not asked if we wanted to go to church, we would also have paid a dear price for saying no; and when I say paid …I mean PAID with a lesson remembered for days or weeks depending on whether the teaching tool was a belt, a stick or a hand!

I don’t even recall ever thinking about not going to church, not at least until I was about sixteen or seventeen. I sang in the choir for years and my brother was an altar boy, it was just what we did. It seemed everyone was punished, oops I mean treated with the same unsaid expectation of church as we were good Catholics, something that meant a lot to my Irish/Scottish grandparents. I was really no different than any other kid in our family who were likely taught to pray from the womb as I suspect I was.

Aside from religion something inside me always left me feeling different from others. I always wondered why or if it was just my own fault for not fitting in, ever. Even now my kids say “mom you are different, good different”, at work I have heard others say “ you are so different”, my kids friends have said “geeze your mom is so different”, and once many years ago an older Asian woman stopped me outside a store and stared in my face and said “you have a very kind face”, I have always remembered her, she was so intense as she stared directly into my soul that day, one thing for sure is she made me feel different! I think I can see my differences now and I believe it could only be in my character. I have my strong, caring nature which I hope is why I have a respectable character, or at least that’s what I think people who get to know me will think. Having a knack for helping people coupled with lots of empathy has always caused my heart to swell even when reading about sad stories of poverty, pain and oppression, and don’t even get me started on my depth of love for or animals, always wishing I could do more to help or take them home. It was only recently I realized those pieces of me which are different are not that different at all. Now that I have connected with others who I feel are similar to me touching my life in one way or another, I see we have some common ground ethically and in character.

A new friend of mine spoke recently at an event that I had attended. During her talk she said something that touched a knowing in my heart as to why I could be different. To be honest I can’t even remember what it was she said exactly but what I do remember is she said something about her and God …something along the lines of “and that’s why I am different, because God…”and then it was like I knew in that very moment ! What she said was or could be the reason why I too might be different! You know I definitely had a few notches in the ole prayer belt especially as a kid, so maybe someone was watching over me shining inside my spirit bright enough for me to be the odd one out, or perhaps I was meant to shine just a little differently so that only those like me could see the same glow in their heart of hearts. I don’t know really; it’s not like this is a provable theory after all but why not a theory all the same, after all people make stuff up all the time and spend years trying to prove it right?

I thought about a few other people I connected with over the years who have helped me in a positive way in my life, you know those ones who just seem to appear out of nowhere to support you in a time of crisis or misery. I now believe they too could have some sort of spiritual connection in this web of existence, not necessarily Christian but maybe some belief system or another that has them praying or believing that our creator is looking over us, impacting us, guiding us and helping us find one another when in times of need. Those that had most impacted me also had this profound sense of helping other, fairness and social justice in their hearts…I then thought “I think we all have the God glow!” Really this is just something I made up, God glow that is, but what if it’s real? A real glow, you know a special glow in people who have a deep connection with God whether in a church, in a field beneath a tree, around the dinner table or just in our heart or hearts.

I’m certain those that have this connection with God whether young or old have a special inner glow. I don’t think the glow can be seen by the naked eye, I think it can only be felt by the heart and seen in people’s actions. Maybe everyone has it and some people get a higher dosage than others, who knows. All I know is I’m glad I see the same glow in those good people I have met along my way, and I will forever feel like I have found something special that I didn’t know I had before, the “God glow”.
I’m also happy to report this can only mean I have more good than I ever knew, thanks God!

Written by : Corrina Leblond

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