MY PLACE – POETRY , AFFIRMATIONS & MORE

When I hear someone say to another person “hey that’s silly or you shouldn’t feel that way”, I immediately realize those people may be lacking in a specific type of knowing; this knowing or knowledge is often referred to as emotional intellect, emotional IQ, or emotional quotient, just pick one definition they all mean the same. I myself did not even know what it this meant until just a few short years ago when I accidentally found an online course to improve emotional intelligence(EQ), so I went ahead and I took it. It has been my habit to self develop and absorb as much as this world can offer in terms of “free” learning. The course overwhelmingly changed how I responded to other’s as well as gave me new perspective on how I could respond more effectively to how others treated or responded to me as well , of course this doesn’t happen like Zap!
It will take some time as Rome was not built in a day, but practice makes perfect( I’m still working on this). 

Just like so many other traits, characteristics, personality types and or temperaments that a person may argue they are or are not born with or acquire; this “skill” is still debated as to how it evolved in humans and whether it’s one of those nature vs. nurture argument’s. One thing we all know for certain is, people are a product of their environments. If one’s environment is such that no emotional intelligence has evolved or been learned, chances are there is a great lack of validation for feelings and emotions towards others and a great misunderstanding as to why no one validates their feelings or emotion. Emotions and feelings ebb and flow like a rivers edge, often our emotions are triggered by a lifetime of circumstances and events that we often do not even know contributes to our own emotional response (this one often takes years of therapy to figure out)!

One thing is for sure, we have a zillion emotions each day and we are all managing this part of who we are on a minute to minute basis, so let’s try and understand how EQ can prevent development of emotional triggers in ourselves and our children by becoming more informed; maybe the children too will pass it on. A huge aspect of EQ is called “validation”, this can make or break a person emotionally. I am all too familiar with how this response helps as many of you will be as well.

Let’s look at how “validation“ might look in a loving home . First without EQ and then with the learned trait of EQ.

Child: “Mom I am stupid, I cannot do this work, I will fail and it’s all my fault because I’m just not as smart as the other kids!!”
Mom non- validation of feelings “Son , you just need to work harder, study harder, it’s not that hard you are fine , we both know you are just as smart as everyone else!”

In this case, the mom is not being abusive, one may even see this comment as being supportive and encouraging, however the one thing that is missing here is ….validation of feelings and emotions. When we are looking at another person’s reality (as we know we all have our own individual reality) we must first validate that reality and then add nurture and love. When this child is told “you are just as smart”, it will not make him feel better, it will just lead him to him not trusting how he truly feels about himself and that difference of opinion in how he feels and what someone tells he “should feel”, creates a gap in self judgment, some have even called it emotional abuse( I know, I know it’s a strong word). Let’s look at it another way , apply EQ.

It might look like this…

Mom with validation of feelings “Son, I can see how frustrated you feel with your homework, it’s tough isn’t it? How about we take a break and have a look at it again in a few minutes, I’ll help. Everyone learns differently and sometimes people learn slower in one subject but will learn faster in another, we are all different learners and that’s ok, I can see you feel frustrated that you may not feel that smart at this moment, it’s ok, we all feel that way at times.

The difference here is that the emotional support the child was screaming out for(silently) was provided and what more, his feelings were validated. It’s ok not to feel like the smartest kid in the class sometimes, it is only a feeling after all, the next time he gets a B or an A this feeling will change!

When we are validated, we no longer feel like our emotions have no meaning. Our emotions are real, our perspectives are real, and how we feel as an individual is real, no one has a right to say “don’t feel that way, or you are wrong to think/feel that way” , or one of my favorites “you are overreacting or twisting words”. People need to know their perspective’s and feelings are valid, even if no one agrees with it , a feeling or perspective is yours to own, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Often people just need a healthy dash of emotional intelligence as It really does assist in all relationships and can apply to everyone; children, friends, partners, teachers, your dog/cat. everyone!! Try it! You will see how that person’s response changes as soon as you validate them and give that emotional support we all need as emotional being’s (unless they are a sociopath, then don’t bother!). 